The Gilligan Files: The Missing Root Beer
by KCcracker
Summary: When a routine delivery of root beer goes wildly off-course and turns up sabotaged the next morning, it is up to our own intrepid investigator Numbuh 2 to crack the case and find out who done it! Read, review etc. etc.


In the beginning we knew two things: that there was a soda thief in the class, and we had no idea who. And so it was that I, Hoagie P. Gilligan, Jr., private eye extrordinare, had been assigned to find this person and bring him to justice.

At this point there were five suspects. There was Jared, one of Abby's friends. He'd always been the nerd - like anyone could out-nerd her, or me. Chris always looked like he'd been caught sleeping. John was the quiet, unassuming one with the opaque glasses. Maybe he was _too_ quiet - and so I'd never trusted him. Andy was the sporty one, walking in with his basketball like the game was going out of style. Pah - I've always hated sports. Leave it to a guy like Andy to make me hate it even more. And his ex-girlfriend Leia - no-one really knew what was behind her hair. No-one ever knew what was behind those mysterious dark eyes.

The deal was this: Sometime in the past week a large shipment of root beer and soda was supposed to come through for Sector V. Tough, these days, to sneak stuff past adult supervision, but we're not the Kids Next Door for nothing. Tough is our middle name. So we waited - but the soda never came. Moon Base says it'd been sabotaged.

I opened my tumbler and poured myself one shot of root beer, the last refill from our treehouse stocks. It went down hard and cold, the way it's supposed to. I looked at the class again. No-one else in the class looked at all suspicious.

The teacher comes in and he looked vaguely interesting. Mathematics, I think, but I don't pay that much attention. Chris looked strangely awake, writing on a piece of paper, though I could not see what he wrote.

This should have been a cinch. All I gotta do was get my team to find out from our...sources. Trouble is, I don't have Abby or Nigel or even Wally to help me. (Sorry, Kuki, but it's a hard world. Rainbow monkeys don't cut it in the business.) I didn't have Sector V.

They were all in Arctic Base prison for sabotaging that soda delivery.

* * *

I decided to talk to Jared first, but sending him a secret message wouldn't work. Jared's always been the teacher's pet. He'd put a note you sent him straight on the teacher's table. But I suspected that behind that shiny exterior there was a rebel inside him. Everybody's got a secret that they're keeping.

So I waited. The math teacher is Mr. Simmons, a tiny, baby-faced man, and he's better than most at his job. Jared is sitting up straight, copying down what Mr. Simmons has written, while half the class didn't really bother. You can see a lot of things from the back of the class.

Truth be told, I wasn't even supposed to be here. I should've gone down with my team that night, when they all got taken away. Abby had been the first one to be hooked - she always loved candy, my Abby.

 _"You mean, we're getting free candy?" she said. "Well, Numbuh Five don't know about you, but she is go-ing."_

The others had followed her soon, but I had my doubts. I stayed away from the super secret KND trick-or-treat party, and that's how I learned that the party was more trick than treat. _Hehe...geddit?_

Simmons was still at the board. "...and so nine times seven is...?"

He looked around, smiling, but it was only ever Jared that answered those questions.

"Sixty-three, sir," Jared replied.

"Correct!" He turned back to the board to write down 63 in marker. And as Mr. Simmons moved on to the next problem, I knew I had to get Jared. There was something weird about his behaviour today, and I knew _just_ what it was.

Sugar rush.

* * *

When the bell rang, Jared sped out of the class. I ran - as much as puffing can be considered running - and I just managed to catch him out in an empty hallway.

"Hey, Hoagie," Jared said, his squeaky voice rising as I came nearer. "How you're feeling?"

"Fine," I said. "Say, you don't happen to have a soda, do ya?"

"Soda?" he said, backing off, his eyes darting from left to right. "I ain't got no soda on me. You know that's illegal."

But the sweat was starting to form on his face.

"Come on, now," I said easily. "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

Jared looked left and right again, trying to see if there was a way he could escape, but I had cornered him by the lockers.

"I-I-"

"Spit it out," I said. "Don't tell me you don't recognise _this smell-_ "

And here I whipped out my tumbler and opened it below Jared's pudgy face. From close up you could hear the sizzle of the root beer.

"Oh, _yesss._ " Jared's face relaxed in anticipation. "Alright, Hoagie, it's a fair cop - I got it from Chris - you recognise _this?"_

I ducked, but Jared flung the soda in his bottle all over me. The sticky liquid drenched me from head to toe, and Jared bolted.

"Teacher!" he yelled. "Teacher - Hoagie's brought root beer to school!"

I ran the other way, cursing my luck. Just like Jared to tattle-tale on me.

* * *

The boys bathroom was a pretty good place to hide out and wash off the soda. I licked some of it, and it was good, too - KND-grade refreshment, sweet and sparkling. And Chris had been awake in class. I was pretty sure he was on the stuff.

I didn't have next class with Jared, but then I realised I couldn't risk being seen anymore. By now he'd probably have told half-a-dozen teachers already. If they caught me I'd be in serious trouble. I'd be sent to detention, hauled up to the prohibition office-

No. Focus. I got out my notebook and started scribbling.

Here were the facts of the case.

The raid had taken place at night, the truck passing a rare police inspection at the start before it eventually turned up on a small side road, a full ten miles from the correct path. We changed the path on every single journey. It was programmed into the computers so that no-one knew where it were going before the shipment left the depot.

Moon Base knew, from examining the slightly charred wreck of the soda truck the next day, that it must have been an inside job - because the two KND-assigned drivers had no clue what happened. They said the whole trip was a blur for them.

Of course, Moon Base never told me any of this, but I'm pretty good at finding out secrets.

So whoever carried out the hit needed a Yipper keycard to unlock the truck and take it off-course. Pretty advanced technology, but it was a safety measure - no normal person would know how to even start the thing. Jared probably knew of the plot, which is where he got a bit of the root beer from. It was his cut from the heist.

But I didn't think he was the one who actually did it. I thought Chris was the prime suspect.

Which is why I was very surprised when he strolled into the boys bathroom about five seconds later.

* * *

"Chris!" I said, roughly shoving the notebook back into my back. "What-what you're doing here?"

"I want to wash my face," he said, eyes still half-closed. "Man, my bedtimes are all wrong - I don't like this."

"Bedtimes are all wrong, huh?" I raised one eyebrow. "You been staying up a lot lately?"

"Only to play video games," Chris said, the ghost of a smile on his face, a smile that evaporated when I advanced on him. "Anyway, catcha later, Hoagie, gotta go!"

And without drying his face off Chris bolted from the basin and out the bathroom.

As the door swung shut I knew I needed to get a lot more than that from Chris.

* * *

Looking at myself in the mirror, I decided I was washed-up enough to venture back outside. It wouldn't work for me to keep staying in here, anyway, and I needed to narrow my list of suspects down further, even if I was sure Chris had done it.

So quietly, I sneaked out. It was classtime. There was no-one in the corridors. I stuffed my notebook more securely, then - looking both ways - decided to hide out somewhere else.

Walking down the corridor alone felt very strange. The KND always cut class - but never alone like this. It'd be too easy for people to catch us.

Keeping close to the lockers, I wondered about the others. Andy, John and Leia. Andy seemed the most innocuous of the three. He was a rising basketball star - but like I said, everyone's got a secret. Was the soda the reason for his insane energy levels?

The other two, John and Leia I knew very little about. I had only ever talked with them once - in a group project where they did very little and I finished everything else. Unreliable, for sure. But I knew nothing else.

As I turned a corner, I was surprised to bump into John. A lot of strange coincidences today.

"Whoa there, Hoagie!" he said. "Aren't you-"

"Quiet," I urged. "You're not a tattle-tale, now are ya?"

John shook his little head quickly. Jared had probably told him, too. "No, no. I don't want no trouble. I know you're on the soda-"

"Never mind that now," I said. "Listen - you know where Chris is?"

"In class," John said, his glasses as opaque as ever. "Why?"

"I need to talk to him."

"Is it about his root beer?" John blurted.

"No," I said quietly. "I need to copy his homework."

I backed off, and John and I walked our seperate ways.

* * *

I took out the notebook and looked at my suspects again. Jared's name was crossed out. John didn't know how to keep his mouth shut. Chris had stayed up late at around the same time the truck was hijacked. As it stood either one of those two, or Leia or Andy, could have done the deed. Or I was wrong - but then it wouldn't last long. Private eye Hoagie always gets his man.

I was just walking towards the office when a thought flashed across my mind.

 _¿Por que no los dos?_

Yes, why not both? Two knuckleheads were better than one, after all. But they must have had time to co-ordinate the attack, Chris and Jared.

I needed to talk to the remaining two. Thankfully, my watch told me it was nearing recess time. As long as I stayed away from Jared or the teachers I would be fine, lost in a sea of hungry kids.

Better still, it also meant that it was time for my favourite chili dog to be served up.

* * *

The bell rang, and I made my way to the cafeteria, getting there just as the first of my classmates walked through the doors. It didn't take me long to spot Andy. One could never really miss him - if it walked like a basketball player and talked like one it was Andy alright.

I went up to his table carefully, chili dog in hand. His was where all the cool kids sat - and I was definitely not cool enough for that. So I waited, hovering close to his table like a waiter about to take his order.

When there was a break in the people trying to get Andy's autograph I pushed through.

"Psst...Andy!" I said.

Andy's head jerked. "What do you want?" he said politely.

"A quick word?" I said, holding on to the last bit of the chili dog.

Andy sighed, before he looked around and nodded. "Over there," he said, pointing to the water fountain. "And this better be bloody important."

The taps smelled alright, so I washed out the sugar from my mouth. Time for some serious questions. Unfortunately, I managed to completely screw up the first one.

"So...how's your basketball going?"

"Fine," Andy said, still as _polite_ as ever. Even his basketball sounded hollow. "Look, chump, is there anything else-"

I had an idea. "Say, dude - you friends with Chris?"

At this suggestion Andy looked genuinely offended.

"No," he said quickly. "I don't tend to hang out with losers."

"Do you know where he is? I haven't seen him at recess."

"Sure," Andy said, taking a drink of water. "He's got detention now and after school. Skipped class one too many times."

I let out a sharp breath. If this was true - and I had no reason to doubt Andy, no matter his jerk levels - there was no way of getting to Chris anymore.

 _Unless..._

Andy had started walking away, bouncing the ball. Seeing him walk off, and thinking about the suspects, I knew I was hot on the rogue agent's trail. I just needed to talk to Leia.

Unfortunately, I couldn't see her at all in the crowd of hungry students. And besides, there was something else that was odd going on.

Andy had not gone back to the cool kids' table. Instead he was still close by the water fountain, bouncing his basketball like he was looking for a target. And eventually, it seemed, he had it.

There, on the edge of the action, I saw Leia come into view.

And I only had seconds to hide before Andy threw the basketball at Leia.

* * *

The ball exploded, sending a shockwave through the cafeteria strong enough to knock over one or two tables. Kids everywhere dropped their lunches, scattering food everywhere.

And somehow, Leia was still standing there, staring hard at Andy.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"You know bloody well what I want!" Andy yelled back amidst the chaos.

Off to my right I could hear the safety patrol arriving. I had only seconds left to make my move, seconds left before Leia was taken down for Andy's crime.

Was she the one?

I ducked past one screaming kid, then jumping on the table, shouted as loudly as I could: KIDS NEXT DOOR, BATTLE STATIONS!

The shouting didn't stop any of the kids flying past me. Andy just looked at me as if I were dumb. But I wasn't looking at him. I only had eyes for Leia.

 _And she had jumped at the command._

I jumped off the table, mission accomplished. Leia was a Kids Next Door agent. As the safety patrol swooped into the cafeteria, I took off, scarcely believing my luck.

"Hey, stop right there!"

I looked back, then fell face-first over the silly string the safety patrol had set up to catch strays. As I looked backwards, I felt my hands being tied behind me.

"You can't escape, Hoagie," a voice said. "Looks like you're coming with the safety patrol to detention today."

"No!" I shouted. "You've gotta believe me - I've been framed!"

* * *

The detention classes were all below the school. I didn't know what to expect when I walked into the damp, musty underground after school, but it sure as heck wasn't Mr. Simmons.

"Ah, Master Gilligan!" he said, in that know-nothing high voice of his. "Welcome to detention."

"Mr. Simmons?" I stammered. "What are you doing here?"

"I am doing detention today," he replied. "We teachers rotate. Take a seat at the back, please."

I obeyed, walking right past Chris, and soon I found myself sitting next to Leia doing nothing but stare at the clock, waiting for my time to be over.

"Leia?" I whispered.

"Hoagie?" she replied.

"You're a Kids Next Door agent," I said. "How did you - do you know -"

"Yeah, I am," Leia said, her hair hiding her eyes. "Fair cop. That was risky, blowing your cover like that."

"I needed to know," I replied. "Listen, Leia - do you know anything about Sector V's soda delivery?"

"I was on guard duty that night," Leia said.

Looking around at the class and Mr. Simmons, who were all distracted, I proceeded very slowly: "Who did you see?"

"I'd just come from video games at Chris's house," Lisa said. "I made it to the depot just in time. Immediately after my shift started, I saw the two drivers walk up to Sector V's shipment. Normally, my hair gets in the way, but that night I made a point of checking they were the right drivers. When that was done I waved them through and they drove off. I didn't hear until the next morning that the shipment had been sabotaged mid-journey."

I nodded, getting out my notebook again. So Chris's story checked out. I crossed his name off too, before I remembered something from the morning action.

Jared had said the root beer came from Chris. Leia had said Chris was playing video games on the night of the heist. One of them had to be lying.

I decided to ask Leia some more.

"What happened to Andy?" I said. "Isn't he your-"

"My _ex-_ boyfriend," Leia replied quickly. "He _really_ didn't like it when I broke up with him. Andy looks like the cool, all-round nice guy, right? I just think he's empty, y'know. Empty inside. Everyone's got a secret; well, that's his."

"Uh-huh," I said. It would explain the explosive basketball and why he threw it at Leia. But of course it explained more - how the truck was blown up, for example.

I decided to rewrite Jared's name, and to cross Chris and Leia off my list. I also put a big star by Andy's name. There was the first direct proof that he was one of those responsible.

* * *

I asked to be excused to go to the bathroom, and Mr. Simmons was kind enough to let me go for a reason I invented.

There was no need for supervision - there was no way out of this detention block anyway. We were free to wander where we wanted because it could not matter. So I took a walk, thinking the case over.

Andy had motive to attack the Kids Next Door. He had the means. And there had been blast damage to the truck. But the shipment was ten miles off-course and neither KND driver knew what had happened.

There was something that didn't add up.

The keycard, I remembered. That was the way Andy's accomplices would've hijacked the truck, drove it off-course and siphoned the beer before blowing it up. And the next morning there would be nothing but the traces of an inside job left. Since Andy wasn't a KND member he would automatically be excluded, and Sector V would've been the only ones in the area to know enough to be framed, and the only ones with the right keycard to hijack it. It had almost been the perfect crime.

Which left only two questions: How did they know the route, and who else was in on the plot, if any?

I eventually saw a sign that directed me to the boys' room, but passed it on, choosing to think some more, focusing on the second question.

John had known about the root beer. Jared had actually drunk it. Again, it was entirely possible that they were both involved in the case. But of the two I considered Jared the guiltier because he had lied to me. And there again, in the back of my head, floated a possibility I had not even considered - but I pushed it away.

I walked on, staying close to the wall, before the corridor I was in spontaneously terminated.

 _Dead end,_ I thought, but something kept me there. I heard, from far off through the wall, an almost-silent rumbling.

On a hunch, I pushed on one side of the wall, and when I released the pressure, the wall slid aside to reveal a winding staircase, disappearing into the dark below. My heart jumped.

A secret passageway!

I set off, so quietly as to not alert anyone I was coming. I was halfway down the steps when another thought hit me so strongly it nearly caused me to lose my balance.

Maybe the drivers only recalled a blur because they didn't know what happened, or rather, if the drive _ever_ happened at all...

I sped up again, my brain pounding along with my heart. The truck hadn't been hijacked in the middle of the trip at all. The mission had been sabotaged from the start.

It was perfect. The perpetrators didn't _have_ to know the route in advance. All they had to do was stalk our depot and make their move when the time was right. But Leia said she saw the two KND drivers walk in that night and the truck leave right after that. Where was Andy and the gang the whole time?

The stairway ended, and when I came into a secret room I gasped at the sight before me.

Sitting on a couch, legs crossed and root beer in hand, was Jared.

* * *

"I'm not surprised," I said, but I was trying hard to contain my stammer.

Jared took another swig of the root beer, a mad look coming into his eyes. "Hoagie, Hoagie, Hoagie," he said, getting up and pacing around. "How nice of you to join us."

I said nothing and just stared at the root beer cans everywhere, stacked five high at the lowest. It was Sector V's supply alright. Finally I had the nerve to speak.

"How did you - how did you get down here?"

"There's a way from the top," Jared said dismissively. "Been a open secret amongst us nerds and teacher pets. Now you'd best sit down for a moment, or I'll blast you with this ruler."

I looked, and Jared was wielding a meter stick with a rubber band wound on it. This was KND grade rubber, capable of knocking out your opponent, and I was left with no choice but to follow Jared's command.

"Excellent," he said when I was sat.

"But what about John?" I asked.

"John?" Jared asked, finishing his root beer and reaching for another can. "John's irrelevant. He wanted in on our plot but chickened out at the last minute. It was easy enough to steal the keycard from Abby. I mean, she was my friend, after all. All you had to do was swap the Yipper cards correctly - and I should know, being a card nerd-"

"And you walked in just before Leia's shift started," I finished hollowly. "And so Leia would never have recognised you two because she wasn't there. She was playing video games with Chris all the time, sneaking around behind Andy's back. Probably why Chris didn't want to tell me just _who_ he was gaming with when I asked him about that night; probably thought I'd tell Andy. All you had to do was wait for the real KND drivers to show up and knock them out, put them in the truck, tap the keycard to start, and drive off. You met Andy at an agreed place and time, and you tapped the soda before he blew it to bits."

"Precisely." Jared said. "I think you deserve an A for that piece of deduction."

I nodded. But something _still_ didn't add up. There was no way Jared could do all this and evade suspicion on account of being a kid up very late at night. His controlling parents would find out, for one. And how had he known so much about Andy?

But it appeared I had underestimated Jared.

As if sensing what I was thinking, he put the can of soda down very deliberately and stood up, weapon in hand. I backed off, but it was no use.

"Now Hoagie, it's time to tie up some...loose ends. Who tricked you into chasing a red herring, thinking it was Chris who'd done it? It was me."

His weapon twitched.

He said, "Who let you come down here, knowing you would never be able to escape once you found out? It was me!"

The point of the ruler was now right against my forehead. I closed my eyes, bracing for the inevitable.

Jared whispered, "And who got the truck past the police roadblock? I-"

A massive crashing sound filled the room, and suddenly I felt the ruler fly off my forehead and land with a clatter on my side.

I opened my eyes in disbelief. On the side of the room Jared lay unconscious. Before me, I saw Mr. Simmons holding out his hand.

"Mr. Simmons?" I said. His frame appeared almost too small to be a teacher, but there he was, standing tall and proud after having saved me - the perfect parental authority figure.

"You alright?" he whispered softly.

"Yeah, I am," I said in disbelief. _Thank God for teachers,_ I thought with equal surprise.

I picked up the ruler next to me. The rubber band had not fired. "How-how did you know?"

"Nobody could miss Jared's voice," Mr. Simmons said gently. "He was always a bit too noisy for his own good. Much like most kids these days."

"But why did you do it?" I asked, before I realised that Jared had been cut off mid- _word,_ not mid- _sentence-_

"Why?" he said, a twinkle in his eye. "I just wanted to help you."

I stood up, ruler in hand, putting the final pieces of the puzzle together. Co-ordination. Manipulation. No suspicion of him outside after dark. Knowledge of Andy's girlfriend. Police roadblock. Driver's license...

I turned and fired, and Mr. Simmons crumpled to the floor, the keycard falling out of his pocket.

THE END

(A/N: Thanks for reading! One of my friends suggested I do more of these, hence the title. If you guys would like to see more leave it in the comments or in a PM, etc. Cheers!)


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